Not Quite Narcissus: Three Months Post-Op

It’s been three months since my abdominoplasty and in just over a month I’ll be talking about the rest of the surgeries, all going well that is and since there has been no troubles it should all be fine. I say it often but it remains true, I’m still getting it through my thick-head that it really happened. There’ll be no more waiting, none of the old pain, which I’m coming to realise there was a ridiculous amount of, it’s done, the crowning achievement of my losing ten and a half stone. I’m at the jelly-belly, or the swell-hell if you’d rather, stage. In the morning I look at myself in the mirror, I’ve spent years shying away from mirrors, no joke, when you hate what you see, even after losing all the weight and still being trapped you learn to hate them, and I like what I see. Though, you might laugh or just stare in confusion, I, no you’re crying, shut up, I don’t know what I’m supposed to look like. I haven’t been thin, no,  not thin, not-over-weight in fifteen years, give or take, I don’t know what I should look like. It’s the huge gap between what normal is and what I have been for so long and the internet is no help. Every person concerned with the shape of themselves seems to fall into extremes and none of them fit me quite right. It’s no wonder body issues abound. I’ll learn, dear reader, learn to love what I am now. Just like you love me? Hmmm? Don’t disillusion me, dear reader. Leave me in my blissful ignorance.

Moving around can be tricky still. I can’t quite bend at my ease and lifting is kept light and minimum. I’m treating this like I treated my tattoos, no, not slathering it in creams, well, I am moisturising, but…shut up! What I mean is I baby it now, taking all due care and in the end when it has fully healed, the repaired abdominal muscles are scaring and healing at this stage, or so I’m told, it’ll be great. The feeling is fully back, which makes sneezing a daunting experience, it’s painful, but brief now, thankfully. I feel it tight inside, but I tell you it’s worlds better than when I could feel the muscles pulling and hanging. It came at the right time, the Winter is dull and there are no activities to exert myself with. I still get anxious about hurting it, but that’s part of it, every twinge can freak you out. I’m having mostly good days. The bad ones are bearable. Not getting up each day wondering if there’d be a letter about the appointment, or a call about it all being cancelled, there’s a peace there I haven’t had in years and I’m grateful for now.

I’ mostly stocking the freezer. It’s jam packed with uchiki kuri flavoured foods. Scones, curries, mashed squash blanched squash etc. I even froze one tablespoon scoops of steamed squash for making pumpkin spice lattes. I had some left over and waste not want not, dear reader. There is a freezer stocked full of good, healthy, nutritious food. It’ll keep me healing well and come next year, when I’ve healed sufficiently,  when the frost has lessened, Jack waits not for Spring, I’ll be out there, lifting wheelbarrows, swinging spades and planting squash. Then, I hope sooner rather than later, it’ll back in for the less major surgeries, more healing, more waiting, but with an end in sight and a happier me at the goal. I hope you’ll be there with me when I reach it, dear reader.