2017: A Brief Guide

Ah, dear reader, I knew it was you, you never knew I was clairvoyant did you? It’s okay, I don’t require a cream. It means I can see the future, in a vague and hazy way. So let me tell you what to expect in the future in visiting Pep’s Free From Kitchen. Oh, because I’ll forget, the past is a mystery to me, dearest reader, the future is a cinch, I’ll wish you all a Happy New Year. If you refuse to accept the arbitrary celebrations of certain dates, well, then you’re on your own. Now to the future!

Ah, it comes to me. I see. A tall dark stranger! No, it’s just yours truly. Covered in a blanket for some reason, the whims of future fashion aren’t ours to judge, fashionista reader, and what is that? Why it’s dirt! Yes, that seems about right. The future holds a lot of potting, planting, screaming at the almighty to leave my plants alone, strangely similar to this year. A hoax? Me? How, dare you?! Just for that no lottery numbers for anyone! With a greenhouse and a larger, better organised growing area, a vast supply of pots in need of flowers, there will be quite a few garden, or Jack, or beloved if you’d rather…no? Fair enough, posts. If you’re not horticulturally minded well then, too bad. Jack is here to stay and once I start he never shuts up! I have high hopes for this coming year, tempered with caution provided by my first year, filled with hope due to my second. If nothing else that huge red sun seems like it’d provide a lot of light. This is 2017, right?

Ah! One of those wavy transitions from the nineties! Where are we now? Ah, we’re here, typing up a post. How exciting. Wake up, dear reader, you can murder your grandfather later, and what is it that I’m typing? Let’s read it and create a paradox! No, we’re a pair of idiots, I’ll explain it later. Yes, it’s another variation post. Another recipe ran through the wringer to get all possible variations out of it. These are staple posts here so it’s not surprising to see them in the future. This bunker is new though. As it that glow. Hmmmm. Ah, well, onwards to, er, more future!

How fares the English language in the future? Have the emojis taken over? Have we finally learned how to use a semi colon? Let’s see….wait, where am I? Oh, I’m in the garden. We’ll come back, in time…that was a joke. Okay, yes, I see. Nothing has changed, terrible puns, rambling posts, the usual. Well, that’s nice to know isn’t it? Why are you crying, dear reader? These posts at least endure long into the future. Now, to figure out if there’s anyone left to read them.

How is the blog? You ask. Where are we? You query Why are we in a cardboard box you lunatic? You scream. I’ll check my crystal ball, no this isn’t a basketball don’t be absurd. Why, yes, it’s, ummm, it’s so popular! Ha…ha…No! Don’t look! Why there’s a wealth of awards. Wh-what kind? Why the er, Single Brilliant Poster Award, the, ah, What A Cool…er…Onwards!

I wonder if I can steal my own recipes? Space-time continuum? Silly reader, I’ve read countless visual novels and I can assure you I’m perfectly…whoops. You know what? I think we’ve had enough time travel for one day. I mean what good is knowing the future, assuming there is one left, we can only press onwards, safe in the knowledge that if all else there will probably be squash, definitely be recipes, always an irreverent commentary on everything I do, provided by me of course and, I can say with absolute terror, I mean certainty, that there will always be a dear reader. Right? See you in 2017!

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